Once Upon A Midlife Crisis Book Ratings, Decoded
Let’s be real—stars are cute and all, but what do they actually mean when I slap them on a book review? If you’re wondering whether my 3-star rating is a gentle pat on the back or a polite “meh,” you’re in the right place. It’s time I break down exactly what each star means in my world of romantasy, spice, and shadow Xaddy’s.
Spoiler: I do not hand out five stars like Halloween candy. You’ve gotta earn it, baby.
⭐ 1 Star — “Bless its heart.”
This is the literary equivalent of a stop sign on page one. I either DNF, or probably finished it out of sheer spite or morbid curiosity. Poor pacing, flat characters, and a plot that wandered off and never came back. If I’m giving one star, I likely rage-texted my friends and needed a snack to recover.
⭐⭐ 2 Stars — “It had potential… somewhere.”
There was something there—a concept, a moment, a character that maybe had promise—but it got buried under clichés, bad editing, or a romance so boring it needed an energy drink. Not quite a dumpster fire, but I wouldn’t recommend it without a very specific warning label.
⭐⭐⭐ 3 Stars — “It was fine, I guess.”
This is neutral territory. A 3-star book did its job-ish. I didn’t fall in love, but I wasn’t totally annoyed either. Think of it as the book equivalent of off brand chocolate bars: decent enough to eat, but I’m not hoarding it under my bed. I’d recommend it with qualifiers—like, “If you’re in the mood for something light/fluffy/basic…”
⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 Stars — “Yes, that hit the spot!”
Now we’re getting somewhere. A 4-star book gave me feels. I got attached. I yelled at characters. I might’ve even stayed up past my bedtime for it. (Hey, I’m over 40 dude, I’m tired.) It wasn’t perfect, but it delivered on story, romance, spice, or sheer page turning magic. Strong recommend. Would probably reread.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5 Stars — “I… am… Feral! Do not talk to me. I have ascended.“
This is rare air. A 5-star read gave me butterflies, broke my heart, and maybe even healed something I didn’t know was broken. It made me feel everything, and I’ll be thinking about it for days, weeks, maybe even forever. This is book soulmate territory. It’s the stuff I annoy people about until they finally read it just to shut me up. (Sorry not sorry Gramps)
So there you have it—my slightly unhinged rating scale. Hopefully it helps you decode my reviews and maybe even discover your next favorite read. Because let’s face it: life’s too short for boring books, bad spice, whiny FMC or weak MMC.
Now go find something worth five stars—and if you do, send it to me immediately.
🫶🏻 – Ali
